Now Hiring: Personal Assistant to Entrepreneurial Kitten
Position: Full-Time Personal Assistant
Employers: Clarence, Founders & Head Biscuit Makers
Company: Purr & Knead, LLC
Location: Wherever the soft blanket is
Clarence is a visionary, entrepreneurial kitten specializing in artisanal biscuit production, consumables testing. His rapid scaling operation requires a Personal Assistant to handle day-to-day logistics while his focus is on kneading, napping, consumables testing, and toy R&D.
About the Founders
- Clarence: CEO. Leads biscuit R&D at maximum intensity. Responsibilities also include toy product testing and furniture temperature regulation.
Together, he has disrupted the biscuit industry with:
- Midnight kneading sessions
- Aggressive blanket testing
- Cutting-edge cross-body, claw-inclusive techniques
- Zero concern for OSHA compliance and willing to ignore HR policies.
Responsibilities
- Provide premium biscuit-making services on a wide variety of surfaces: laps, stomachs, chests, couches, beds (yours or theirs)—no exceptions.
- Remain calm and collected during biscuit testing. Or not. Willing to reverse decisions on mobility with little warning.
- Quality control testing for kitten-approved consumables. Willing to put in the extra time and work to ensure all products are given full and equal attention.
- Skilled at communicating directives to subordinates. Capable of providing instructions repeatedly and loudly until objectives are met.
- Experienced at coordinating sleeping schedules, regardless of time of day or location in residence. Change in schedules or overtime may be required with little or no notice.
Basic Qualifications
- High pain tolerance and emotional resilience
- Experience in textile softness evaluation
- Willingness to sacrifice circulation for the brand
- Comfortable being stepped on with purpose
- Must understand: biscuits are serious business
Advanced Skills
- Proven ability to interpret at least 7 distinct meows (bonus points for silent screaming)
- Expertise in identifying the wrong food despite it being the exact same food
- Advanced door-opening skills for doors that must remain open but not too open
- Ability to sit down without triggering immediate biscuit production (rare, but valued)
- Familiarity with kitten adopter protocols, including:
- Accepting that “no” is merely a suggestion
- Allowing kitten to supervise all personal activities
- Understanding that all belongings are communal property
- Compliance with surprise inspections at 3 a.m.
- Skilled in apologizing sincerely when inconveniencing kitten by existing
- Willingness to be emotionally manipulated by purring
Compensation & Perks
- Competitive purr-based salary
- Occasional face sniffs
- Free biscuits (for them)
- Career growth as a Human Nap Pad
- Equity in the form of shed fur
To Apply
Lie down.
They will begin production immediately.
Clarence is a proud to be a paws-on leadership committed to excellence in biscuits and naps. He would like to be either with his sister, Mouse, or a companion to another pet.
Clarence will be at Nine Lives Cafe and Cat Lounge 1/14/2026 until 2/10/2026. To schedule a time to meet him/her and other ARPO kitties, please visit ninelivescatcafe.com. Normal ARPO adoption requirements still apply.
