Clarence

Hi! My Name Is Clarence

I'm Available | Bonded With: Mouse

Now Hiring: Personal Assistant to Two Entrepreneurial Kittens (bonded siblings)

Position: Full-Time Personal Assistant
Employers: Clarence & Mouse, Founders & Head Biscuit Makers
Company: Purr & Knead, LLC
Location: Wherever the soft blanket is

Clarence and Mouse are visionary, entrepreneurial kittens specializing in artisanal biscuit production, consumables testing. Their rapid scaling operation requires a Personal Assistant to handle day-to-day logistics while they focus on kneading, napping, consumables testing, and toy R&D.

About the Founders

Clarence: CEO. Leads biscuit R&D at maximum intensity. Responsibilities also include toy product testing and furniture temperature regulation.
Mouse: COO. Oversees general operations and quality control through repeated tummy rubs, lap sitting and silent judgment.

Together, they have disrupted the biscuit industry with:

Midnight kneading sessions
Aggressive blanket testing
Cutting-edge cross-body, claw-inclusive techniques
Zero concern for OSHA compliance and willing to ignore HR policies.

Responsibilities

Provide premium biscuit-making services on a wide variety of surfaces: laps, stomachs, chests, couches, beds (yours or theirs)—no exceptions.
Remain calm and collected during biscuit testing. Or not. Willing to reverse decisions on mobility with little warning.
Quality control testing for kitten-approved consumables. Willing to put in the extra time and work to ensure all products are given full and equal attention.
Skilled at communicating directives to subordinates. Capable of providing instructions repeatedly and loudly until objectives are met.
Experienced at coordinating sleeping schedules, regardless of time of day or location in residence. Change in schedules or overtime may be required with little or no notice.

Basic Qualifications

High pain tolerance and emotional resilience
Experience in textile softness evaluation
Willingness to sacrifice circulation for the brand
Comfortable being stepped on with purpose
Must understand: biscuits are serious business

Advanced Skills

Proven ability to interpret at least 7 distinct meows (bonus points for silent screaming)
Expertise in identifying the wrong food despite it being the exact same food
Advanced door-opening skills for doors that must remain open but not too open
Ability to sit down without triggering immediate biscuit production (rare, but valued)
Familiarity with kitten adopter protocols, including:
- Accepting that “no” is merely a suggestion
- Allowing kittens to supervise all personal activities
- Understanding that all belongings are communal property
- Compliance with surprise inspections at 3 a.m.
Skilled in apologizing sincerely when inconveniencing kittens by existing
Willingness to be emotionally manipulated by purring